I have been uhming and ahing for some time about whether to write this blog post. Most people who have read this blog for several years will have read my ramblings about being single and without children. To a certain extent it was all very well writing about those things whilst I was single, because they were (generally) just about me. Of course, now I am married I not only have to think about what I write affecting me, but also how it affects my lovely husband. So, when I was thinking about writing on here a bit about how I was feeling I asked The Mister what he thought of the idea. I asked him not because I want permission, but because I love him and don’t want to say anything that would embarrass or upset him. He didn’t have too much of a problem… as long as I didn’t say anything too personal!
Anyway, back to the subject in hand. Over the years I have been very honest about the things I want. I wanted to meet someone wonderful and get married and I want to have children. I have been very lucky to achieve the first one, now I would really like the second one! I never expected it would be such an emotional journey though. It’s not like I expected to be able to conceive immediately, and yet when it doesn’t happen it is really hard to deal with. The hardest bit is knowing people who seem to manage it really easily, and now have gorgeous children. My heart breaks when I see them, and it is hard to keep that resentment at bay. The fear that it might not happen to us is overwhelming and I am scared that I will never get to have the children I have longed for for so many years. I think we will be good parents and I am frightened that we won’t get the chance to have those experiences. Of course this whole issue is made even more difficult that my younger sister is pregnant for the second time. Once again she gets to do things twice before I even get to do it once!
I guess if someone could say to me, “in 3/6/12 months you will be pregnant” then I would be able to relax. It’s the not knowing that is so difficult to deal with. I hope it will happen, but who knows. Generally, all the things I have wanted most in the world I have had to wait for. If one more person says, “oh it will happen to you at the right time”, I am likely to punch them in the face. Nobody knows. Quite simply that is the fact of the matter and that really sucks.