Christmas: the good & the bad

I am approaching Christmas this year with mixed feelings. It is so lovely to be home and to feel part of the build up to Christmas. Seeing my lovely niece and nephew and how they are growing (and being naughty) and developing is an absolute pleasure. Work is going fine and I think there is a lot that I can do to make a difference in that team and in the lives of my clients. It looks like The Mister has a job which is good news. Church is fine – a bit evangelical at times but I’ll manage with that. The pleasure of having a quieter life with much less traveling is blissful. My stress levels are considerably less than they were when I was living in Leeds.

And yet, I feel sad. Last Christmas I hoped that we would have a baby of our own; that we would be able to experience the pleasure of a little baby and the excitement of a first Christmas together. Fifteen months of trying to get pregnant has left me despondent and bereft. I find it hard to be around people who are pregnant because I constantly feel ‘why them’ and ‘why not me’. Facebook reminds me insistently of my monthly failure, whether that be with adverts for maternity clothes or baby toys, or the constant barrage of status updates with pictures of scan photos, new-born photos and people going on and on about their ‘bumps’… “**** is going out today with her husband and bump”…. Well of course you are going out with your bump, you couldn’t bloody well go out without it could you?

Christmas this year will be mixed emotions. I will find whether this month has been another failure on my birthday. Great. Another year older and another month when I am not pregnant.

So, at Christmas I come to think of that gift, the child who changed the world. The incarnate God who came as a baby, the best gift the world could ever have; that baby who brings good news and hope to all who believe in him, the one who allegedly ‘gives good gifts’. I hope that this God will give us a gift of a baby this year. However, much as I try to experience this God I largely feel his absence, his lack of intervention and a distinct lack of hope. Who knows? All I am sure of is that I am not really looking forward to Christmas.

10 thoughts on “Christmas: the good & the bad

  1. Okay Anna here we go tough love from some one who has been there and tried for 10 years in total.
    It sucks it shitty its not fair and it stinks, and even now it takes me by surprise and bites me on the bum but don’t let it suck away your life and the grace that you show others.

    Its great that you are in line for IVF, it is a pain you have to wait so my advice is spend the time getting into the best physical and emotional shape you can be in for when the time comes because it is a stressful emotional time. Hormones are crazy things.

    Its hard, but resenting people for being pregnant just makes you feel bad and thats not fair on you or Paul all it does is affect the time you both spend together.
    Dont allow yourself to let it take the joy and fun out of your birthday and christmas and shag in hope!

    you feel that you are not being given good gifts, but you are just look around you especially in the direction of your husband and family

    Okay tough love over but believe me when I say I can relate to everything your going through and that is why I feel can write this. Please take my comment in the spirit for which it is intended

    Try throwing caution to the wind and have a great christmas and enjoy your friends and family

    love Lesley

  2. Thanks Les. Useful advice… however we are not in line for IVF. We haven’t even managed to get an appointment to see the specialists yet. The reality is that if we get to the point where we require IVF we are unlikely to be able to afford it as we would have to pay privately over here. That would mean the end for our dream.

    And as for the gift thing, I know I have some good gifts, but this is THE gift and one that I cannot work hard or study for. It is about the only thing that is truly a gift!

  3. I hope you took it in the spirit that it was intended, we had to pay for our IVF as I was too old to have it on the NHS.

    I will keep everything crossed that clomid and other less invasive treatment will be just the ticket for twins or even triplets!

    as I said Shag in hope and if that doesnt work nick one from the front of a shop

  4. I remember that frustration and resentment so well. While I was trying in vain to get pregnant, my sister in law, whose husband had left her, got pregnant after an affair, and a close friend, single, got pregnant by a man who then abandoned her. I was so angry! All I can do is pray that it will happen for you. I have a poem I wrote recently about infertility, based on the ‘one for sorrow, two for joy’ rhyme – it’s kind of negative but if you would like to see it, it may chime with your feelings.

  5. I know I’m in no position to speak. But I do understand your frustration, and my heart goes out to you.

    ‘Hope deferred makes the heart sick” it’s in psalms somewhere. Oh, boy, I’ve had that experience and I know the pain.

    Being ‘heart sick’ is how it feels. But you will only make your life sweeter if you ride the pain, and not get bitter.

    Easier said than done, I know.

    Hugs, sweetheart.

  6. It is really hard to go through this. Trouble is that the more you focus on it, the less likely it is that you will get pregnant. I think the advice above is good, try to avoid bitterness and enjoy Christmas and your husband. Don’t let this poison the good (wonderful) things you do have.

  7. Also in no position to speak, I haven’t been there and so can’t understand what the level of pain must be like. But I do get you guys are really hurting and so just wanted to say thinking of you. Know that probably sounds so bloody patronising – but hey ho only saying it because you and Paul are a really special couple and you need to know that there are people out here who care even if there is bugger all we can do to help.

  8. It’s a possibility I guess, although we would still have to get through about 18 months of assessments, even if we did get accepted, and as we don’t have our own accommodation at the moment that would go against us.

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