To all those people who think I am being a selfish bitch for being upset about other people’s pregnancies and babies, this message is for you.
For the last 15 years my life has not been what I thought it would be. I thought I would get married in my early twenties and have a couple of children by the time I was 25. It might not have been conventional to normal society, but in the Newfrontiers churches it was pretty typical and normal. People married young, in my opinion, because they wanted to start having sex and in that environment it is the ‘right way’ to do this. It is also the culture of the church, being very family focused etc.
Instead of getting married, I went through the majority of my twenties surrounded by a large bunch of friends, the majority of whom were gay. They shared my life and I shared theirs. We laughed together, drank together, ate meals together, went on holiday, went shopping, had parties, and went through good times and sad times together. They were like my family. I adored it and I adored them and my life without that experience would be very much poorer indeed.
When I hit my thirties the reality that other people have not only been married and had children, but now their children are at school became very obvious. It is quite painful to watch from the sidelines to see other people getting the things you most want, whether that is right, or wrong isn’t up for debate at this point, but it is the truth.
I was fortunate. I am extremely fortunate. At 33 I met the most wonderful man in the world. He is supportive, loving, generous and kind and I cannot overestimate how loved he makes me feel. He loves me for being me, warts and all. He makes me feel beautiful – and that is priceless.
So, what I am trying to say is, when I am upset and make statements about other people getting pregnant or having babies, this isn’t about me being a bitch. This is about me trying to reframe the whole of my expectations about what I thought my life would look like. I thought I would have children starting secondary school by now. Instead, I am struggling to conceive.
Life isn’t bad; it is just different to what I thought it would look like. I love my husband and I am incredibly grateful for what I have, but it doesn’t stop me feeling envious when I see other people living what I thought my dreams should be. Please don’t make me feel guilty for feeling these things. I am quite capable at doing that on my own.
I said to someone who doesn’t really know what to say to me when I am ranting about these things, “If, God forbid, I had a miscarriage what would you do?”, and her response was, “I would come to you and hug you”. My response to that is, please do that anyway. Whilst I am not grieving for something tangible, I am, to a certain extent, grieving for my dream; for the life I thought I would have.