Tag Archives: dreams

I would die for that

Here is the video. I can’t work out how to embed YouTube videos anymore!

“I Would Die For That”

Jenny was my best friend.
Went away one summer.
Came back with a secret
She just couldn’t keep.
A child inside her,
Was just too much for her
So she cried herself to sleep.

And she made a decision
Some find hard to accept.
To young to know that one day
She might live to regret.

But I would die for that.
Just to have one chance
To hold in my hands
All that she had.
I would die for that.

I’ve been given so much,
A husband that I love.
So why do I feel incomplete?
With every test and checkup
We’re told not to give up.
He wonders if it’s him.
And I wonder if it’s me.

All I want is a family,
Like everyone else I see.
And I won’t understand it
If it’s not meant to be.

Cause I would die for that.
Just to have one chance
To hold in my hands
All that they have.
I would die for that.

And I want to know what it’s like
To bring a dream to life.
For that kind of love,
What I’d give up!
I would die for that.

Sometimes it’s hard to conceive,
With all that I’ve got,
And all I’ve achieved,
What I want most
Before my time is gone,
Is to hear the words
“I love you, Mom.”

I would die for that.
Just to have once chance
To hold in my hands
What so many have
I would die for that.

And I want to know what it’s like
To bring a dream to life.
How I would love
What some give up.
I would die …
I would die for that.

by Kellie Coffey

Other people and my story

To all those people who think I am being a selfish bitch for being upset about other people’s pregnancies and babies, this message is for you.

For the last 15 years my life has not been what I thought it would be. I thought I would get married in my early twenties and have a couple of children by the time I was 25. It might not have been conventional to normal society, but in the Newfrontiers churches it was pretty typical and normal. People married young, in my opinion, because they wanted to start having sex and in that environment it is the ‘right way’ to do this. It is also the culture of the church, being very family focused etc.

Instead of getting married, I went through the majority of my twenties surrounded by a large bunch of friends, the majority of whom were gay. They shared my life and I shared theirs. We laughed together, drank together, ate meals together, went on holiday, went shopping, had parties, and went through good times and sad times together. They were like my family. I adored it and I adored them and my life without that experience would be very much poorer indeed.

When I hit my thirties the reality that other people have not only been married and had children, but now their children are at school became very obvious. It is quite painful to watch from the sidelines to see other people getting the things you most want, whether that is right, or wrong isn’t up for debate at this point, but it is the truth.

I was fortunate. I am extremely fortunate. At 33 I met the most wonderful man in the world. He is supportive, loving, generous and kind and I cannot overestimate how loved he makes me feel. He loves me for being me, warts and all. He makes me feel beautiful – and that is priceless.

So, what I am trying to say is, when I am upset and make statements about other people getting pregnant or having babies, this isn’t about me being a bitch. This is about me trying to reframe the whole of my expectations about what I thought my life would look like. I thought I would have children starting secondary school by now. Instead, I am struggling to conceive.

Life isn’t bad; it is just different to what I thought it would look like. I love my husband and I am incredibly grateful for what I have, but it doesn’t stop me feeling envious when I see other people living what I thought my dreams should be. Please don’t make me feel guilty for feeling these things. I am quite capable at doing that on my own.

I said to someone who doesn’t really know what to say to me when I am ranting about these things, “If, God forbid, I had a miscarriage what would you do?”, and her response was, “I would come to you and hug you”. My response to that is, please do that anyway. Whilst I am not grieving for something tangible, I am, to a certain extent, grieving for my dream; for the life I thought I would have.

The 2010 review

Well, a few days late, here is my review of the year.

4801-1022010 started well with a move up to Yorkshire to start a life with my lovely Mister. We got married in 3 April in a gorgeous little church in Guernsey, and it was truly the happiest day of my life. It was a perfect day (with the exception of the pouring rain) and I wouldn’t have changed anything! The chance to celebrate this event with family and friends was amazing and I was very grateful for everyone who came and shared the day with us. We followed the wedding with a fabulous week in St Ives. The weather was perfect and Cornwall was a delight. Fabulous. The Mister has been learning to live with me ever since. He is both a brave man, as well as an amazing man, and I know I am extremely lucky!!

I started working in June. A job which is both amazing and hard. The staff team are fantastic, but like any other job I am finding the paperwork and the politics annoying and nightmarish.

P1040654.JPGThe summer saw an extremely wet but fun camping trip to Wales with Tom and Anne and their boys, two of which are our godsons. It was blissful to spend a bit of time relaxing, eating, drinking and laughing with good friends. This was followed by a trip to Greenbelt where we managed to catch up with a whole bunch of friends. It was a great holiday, just wish it could have been a bit sunnier! Highlights of Greenbelt were seeing Jars of Clay and listening to an interview with the two writers of Rev. Roll on the next GB!!!

P1050790.JPGMy nephew Barnabas continues to be gorgeous, as well as hilarious. My sister is expecting again and is due to drop at the beginning of March. As ever, this has brought extremely mixed reactions for me. I am pleased for her, but I had really hoped that I would manage to get pregnant before her this time. I continue to hope that we will be able to achieve this in 2011 although I am still concerned that my age will be a negative factor for me.

So over all, 2010 has been a vintage year, probably the best I have had in a long time. Who knows what 2011 holds for us, although I expect another move (a big one possibly!), maybe in the summer. This will depend on jobs and stuff like that so we will just have to wait and see what happens.

Thank you to everyone who had read this blog, and I hope you will keep on this journey with me. I hope 2011 is as good, if not better than 2010 and we all get our deepest wishes fulfilled.

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