Well our lovely nephew Barnabas is one year old today. He is so gorgeous and a real little pickle and I miss him loads.
The pain of not having children certainly hasn’t receded with him coming along, in fact in many ways it has made that pain more intense and more pronounced as I can see just what I am missing out on. Not knowing if we will ever get that experience is pretty hard to deal with. However, I certainly wouldn’t miss out on having Barnabas around. he is a complete joy and great fun and I can’t wait to see him again!!
We bought Barnabas a big present but I couldn’t resist making him something (boys are so hard to make for!) so I made him some little aprons which I thought he might be able to use when he is painting or colouring or cooking with Granny. Here’s a pic!
All I seem to be hearing these days is about people I know who are pregnant. It’s really hard, I would like to be happy for them but I just find it impossible. At least 5 or 6 people have recently announced their pregnancies and it is all they bloody go on and on about. This is particularly hard when it is your sister who is pregnant. I am trying to be pleased and I want to know what is happening, and yet I feel like an observer. A bit like I am watching them on a TV show instead of being part of their lives. It’s hard and I don’t really know what to do with it. Emotionally I feel battered every time they mention it, and yet I know that everyone, especially my family, would be far, far happier if I pretended I wasn’t hurting and just plastered on the fake smile and engaged in the banal chatter. I am not sure I can do that anymore.