Tag Archives: hope

2012 Project365 (Day 150)

Baby Williams.Well, this is my favourite picture of the year so far! This is the picture that I have wanted to be able to post for some time but wasn’t sure if I ever would be able to. I am very happy to announce that The Mister and I are expecting a baby, due sometime around 16 December.

As anyone who has followed this blog, or who knows us will know this has been a hard baby win. Months and months of trying, hoping and then disappointment. Finally an investigation or two followed by a round of Clomid seems to have done the trick. No means has it been an easy few months though as I have had several episodes of bleeding, however, all looks good so far. No-one told me that you needed nerves of steel to get through the first trimester. It has had some unbelievably scary moments and I am still holding my breath and hoping that nothing else is going to go wrong.

I still really feel for my friends and family who are trying to get pregnant and who have not got there yet. The one thing I do know is that we have been lucky (so far) and I hope that we will continue to be so, but no-one knows what might happen.

If you are able to celebrate with us, then please do, if this news brings you sadness then I also understand that. It’s an emotion that I understand all too well and I recognise that time and space, whilst it doesn’t make it less painful, it does become ‘old news’ and is easier to hear.

Thankyou to everyone who has prayed for and crossed fingers with us. Your thoughts and prayers are gratefully received and I hope you will continue to remember us in your prayers.

Hurray!

The end of 2011

Hong Kong Feb 2011_0416Dorset_3799Well this year has been quite a momentous year in lots of ways.

The Mister and I spent the first part of the year working hard and generally enjoying living on the mainland but we also spent a lot of time with friends and enjoyed travelling about and seeing people. We went to Hong Kong on February and in October and the chance to experience that amazing city will stay with us for a long time. In August we spent a week camping in Devon before meeting up with friends and camping in Dorset and then heading to Greenbelt. We also went to a family wedding on Somerset and managed to get a few days to ourselves and we celebrated our first wedding anniversary in Pickering in North Yorkshire.

Of course the most significant thing about this year is that we took the plunge and moved back to Guernsey. It was a decision that was a long time in the making and the actual moving part was stressful. I hope I don’t have to move anywhere long-distance for a long time! We are currently living with my parents whilst we save up for a house. This should be easier as The Mister has got a job and starts in January. Hurray!

EdenGsy_1849Being back in Guernsey in wonderful. It is lovely to be able to see the family and spend proper time there without having to rush off. My sister had another baby in February and Eden is hilarious to be around, and Barnabas continues to entertain. Of course being back at home means that my sister seems to consider us as another set of babysitters!

The year hasn’t all been good though. This time last year I was hoping that this would be the last time we celebrated Christmas and New Year as just a couple, I was hoping that by Christmas we would be a family. Sadly getting pregnant has proved to be more complicated than the Daily Mail makes out. We are waiting for an appointment at the fertility specialists but living in Guernsey means that we are having to wait quite a long time. My biggest fear is that we will require intervention such as IVF, and if that ends up being the case then we will almost certainly have to give up on our desire to have children, as we will not be able to afford it. There are no ‘free’ treatments on the island.

PA smiling bw Despite all this (and in spite of it all in some case!) I feel blessed. I live on a beautiful island, hopefully we will be able to buy our own house this year, and we have fabulous families on both sides. I am most fortunate though because I have The Mister and I recognise that I am truly blessed. He keeps me centrered, makes me feel safe, makes me laugh and is so very supportive.

So, a very Happy New Year to everyone. Let’s hope that 2012 brings more joy, and pleasure and let’s just hope that our dreams come true.

PS) The last picture of the two of us I shamelessly admit I nicked from (AllieW!)

Christmas: the good & the bad

I am approaching Christmas this year with mixed feelings. It is so lovely to be home and to feel part of the build up to Christmas. Seeing my lovely niece and nephew and how they are growing (and being naughty) and developing is an absolute pleasure. Work is going fine and I think there is a lot that I can do to make a difference in that team and in the lives of my clients. It looks like The Mister has a job which is good news. Church is fine – a bit evangelical at times but I’ll manage with that. The pleasure of having a quieter life with much less traveling is blissful. My stress levels are considerably less than they were when I was living in Leeds.

And yet, I feel sad. Last Christmas I hoped that we would have a baby of our own; that we would be able to experience the pleasure of a little baby and the excitement of a first Christmas together. Fifteen months of trying to get pregnant has left me despondent and bereft. I find it hard to be around people who are pregnant because I constantly feel ‘why them’ and ‘why not me’. Facebook reminds me insistently of my monthly failure, whether that be with adverts for maternity clothes or baby toys, or the constant barrage of status updates with pictures of scan photos, new-born photos and people going on and on about their ‘bumps’… “**** is going out today with her husband and bump”…. Well of course you are going out with your bump, you couldn’t bloody well go out without it could you?

Christmas this year will be mixed emotions. I will find whether this month has been another failure on my birthday. Great. Another year older and another month when I am not pregnant.

So, at Christmas I come to think of that gift, the child who changed the world. The incarnate God who came as a baby, the best gift the world could ever have; that baby who brings good news and hope to all who believe in him, the one who allegedly ‘gives good gifts’. I hope that this God will give us a gift of a baby this year. However, much as I try to experience this God I largely feel his absence, his lack of intervention and a distinct lack of hope. Who knows? All I am sure of is that I am not really looking forward to Christmas.

I would die for that

Here is the video. I can’t work out how to embed YouTube videos anymore!

“I Would Die For That”

Jenny was my best friend.
Went away one summer.
Came back with a secret
She just couldn’t keep.
A child inside her,
Was just too much for her
So she cried herself to sleep.

And she made a decision
Some find hard to accept.
To young to know that one day
She might live to regret.

But I would die for that.
Just to have one chance
To hold in my hands
All that she had.
I would die for that.

I’ve been given so much,
A husband that I love.
So why do I feel incomplete?
With every test and checkup
We’re told not to give up.
He wonders if it’s him.
And I wonder if it’s me.

All I want is a family,
Like everyone else I see.
And I won’t understand it
If it’s not meant to be.

Cause I would die for that.
Just to have one chance
To hold in my hands
All that they have.
I would die for that.

And I want to know what it’s like
To bring a dream to life.
For that kind of love,
What I’d give up!
I would die for that.

Sometimes it’s hard to conceive,
With all that I’ve got,
And all I’ve achieved,
What I want most
Before my time is gone,
Is to hear the words
“I love you, Mom.”

I would die for that.
Just to have once chance
To hold in my hands
What so many have
I would die for that.

And I want to know what it’s like
To bring a dream to life.
How I would love
What some give up.
I would die …
I would die for that.

by Kellie Coffey

The joys and trials of trying to get up the duff

Trying to conceive is officially the most disappointing and the saddest thing I have ever done. What should be joyful is bloody hard work at time.

I never expected things to be straightforward but I always hoped. Somehow having to know my cycle intimately, knowing when I am ovulating, checking cervical mucus, taking my temperature every morning, using ovulation tests seems to take all the fun out of trying to get pregnant.

Every month I hope and hope that this has been the month that everything has worked.

Every month I am disappointed.

Every month is like a bereavement. Grieving for the things I have hoped for. Grieving for the things that I don’t have, and don’t know if I will ever obtain.

One day I hope it will work. If it doesn’t I don’t know what I am going to do. If I can’t be a mother I am not sure what my life will look like.

Oh :(

There are a lovely few days every month when I think I might, maybe, possibly, hopefully, be pregnant. I dream about what it will be like to have a bouncing baby in my arms. Then there is the realisation that once again I am not pregnant. Every month I feel sad and utterly utterly disappointed. Every month I am reminded that I have failed and that I have to wait another month.

I am finding it harder and harder to deal with the emotions of trying to conceive. Something that we hoped would be straightforward has become a cycle of charting and hoping. Don’t get me wrong, things are still fun… heheh …. but that disappointment every single month is almost too hard.

Of course all of this is made even more difficult by the fact that other people’s lives go on…. photos on Facebook of other people’s babies and children and photos of people blooming during their pregnancies. It’s a constant reminder of that great unattainable dream.

Waiting

I have been uhming and ahing for some time about whether to write this blog post. Most people who have read this blog for several years will have read my ramblings about being single and without children. To a certain extent it was all very well writing about those things whilst I was single, because they were (generally) just about me. Of course, now I am married I not only have to think about what I write affecting me, but also how it affects my lovely husband. So, when I was thinking about writing on here a bit about how I was feeling I asked The Mister what he thought of the idea. I asked him not because I want permission, but because I love him and don’t want to say anything that would embarrass or upset him. He didn’t have too much of a problem… as long as I didn’t say anything too personal!

Anyway, back to the subject in hand. Over the years I have been very honest about the things I want. I wanted to meet someone wonderful and get married and I want to have children. I have been very lucky to achieve the first one, now I would really like the second one! I never expected it would be such an emotional journey though. It’s not like I expected to be able to conceive immediately, and yet when it doesn’t happen it is really hard to deal with. The hardest bit is knowing people who seem to manage it really easily, and now have gorgeous children. My heart breaks when I see them, and it is hard to keep that resentment at bay. The fear that it might not happen to us is overwhelming and I am scared that I will never get to have the children I have longed for for so many years. I think we will be good parents and I am frightened that we won’t get the chance to have those experiences. Of course this whole issue is made even more difficult that my younger sister is pregnant for the second time. Once again she gets to do things twice before I even get to do it once!

I guess if someone could say to me, “in 3/6/12 months you will be pregnant” then I would be able to relax. It’s the not knowing that is so difficult to deal with. I hope it will happen, but who knows. Generally, all the things I have wanted most in the world I have had to wait for. If one more person says, “oh it will happen to you at the right time”, I am likely to punch them in the face. Nobody knows. Quite simply that is the fact of the matter and that really sucks.

The 2009 summary

Well 2009 has been a year of excitement and suprises, as well as a few sad bits along the way.

P1010256Of course the biggest change for me is that The Mister and I lasted this year too and rather happily he proposed in August. It is all very exciting and I am so happy that I have finally found someone who I can share life with. My family all seem to think he is quite a brave man and he is taking on quite a lot. In many ways he is, but he is brave and strong so I think he will manage just fine!!! I have realised now that waiting for the right man to come along has absolutely been the best thing and I am very happy.

P1020664The other major change this year is that in July my sister had a gorgeous baby called Barnabas. He is absolutely gorgeous and smiley and yet it is still quite a difficult one for me to deal with. I love him to pieces, and spending time with him this year has been a surprising pleasure, and yet there is always the thought in the back of my head of ‘I wonder if it will ever happen to me?’. I know it is impossible to know but it is still hard at times. Having said that, I wouldn’t be without him, and largely because of him my relationship with my sister has improved. I know that I have been out of order with her over the past couple of years, mainly because of my sadness at her happiness, but I hope that we will now be able to move forward. Barnabas is gorgeous and I look forward to getting to know him even better and leading him astray when he is older!!!

22The saddest bit of the year was that my lovely Grandpadied in October. I missed him especially at Christmas when he was no longer there telling terribly jokes and giving his glorious and honest smile at his family. His love and prayers for his children and grandchildren will be missed, but the pleasure of knowing that he is safe in the arms of Jesus is a treasure I wouldn’t change to have his frail, old and sick body back.

2010 looks like it is going to bring even more major changes to my life, as well as The Mister’s life. At the end of January I will be leaving the job I have been in since 2001. I have to admit that I am thoroughly looking forward to leaving as the bureacracy and paperwork has started to really get me down. On the other hand, I have worked hard in this job and I have, to a certain extent, been able to shape the role around my interests. It is daunting to be leaving a job which has given me so much security and yet it is definitely the right time to leave. In February I will be moving up to Leeds into a little rented house that we managed to find yesterday. It is a huge move, both in terms of distance, but also emotionally. I have been very happy in my little flat and moving somewhere where I don’t know many people is both scary and exciting. Of course this is all leading up to the major event of our wedding in Guernsey on 3 April 2010. I am so excited (plus a little bit overwhelmed) that we will be getting married on Easter Saturday. Who would have thought this time last year that we would be planning our wedding? Plans are going well and it would seem that everything is vaguely under control. I just have to get the house move out of the way before I can really start enjoying all the planning around it.

So, to anyone and everyone who takes the time to read and comment on this blog, a big thankyou. I hope that you will stay with me through 2010 and I promise to try and blog more regularly. I have been a bit rubbish this year, largely because life has been so busy but I will try better (sounds a bit like my school reports really!!)

So, a Happy New Year to everyone and I hope 2010 brings more joy and excitement to us all.

RIP Grandpa

22

My Mum phoned me this morning to tell me that my lovely Grandpa had died peacefully in the early hours of the morning. He had been deteriorating for some time, really since this photo was taken at my Dad’s 60th birthday party a couple of years ago, and he was in a nursing home now.

Grandpa was an amazing man. He told terrible jokes… for example whenever you asked him if he was well he would always reply “You can never be too well” or if you asked him if he was alright he would reply “No, I’m half left”. He had a beautiful wide smile that greeted you every time you walked in the room and his smile always reached his eyes.

He certainly didn’t have an easy life. His first wife Grandma Anita died of breast cancer when my Dad was 19. He then went onto marry Grandma Mary and today would have been their 40th wedding anniversary. They exchanged their gifts just two days ago, and today Grandpa went to be with Jesus. Grandpa was also a Gideon, and I blogged about that here. His faithfulness in talking to people about Jesus was unwavering, and even when in hospital he always had a Gideon Testament ready to give out if he was able to. Such faith, and such conviction.

Every time I went home over the last year I said my goodbyes to him. I always knew that it could, and at some point would, be the last time I could say my goodbyes to him. He prayed for us regularly and I know, without a shadow of a doubt, that Grandpa loved me passionately. I also know, beyond anything else, that Grandpa is where he most wanted to be. Safe with his beloved Saviour. The one in whom he has put his trust for 90+ years and the one to whom he was continually running, even when he couldn’t get out of his bed.

He kept this little poem in his bible and i think it sums him up perfectly.

From My Heart

I’ve known the Master for many years
And I’ve tried him o’er and o’er,
Honest I can tell you know
I truly love Him more and more
With every passing year.

Nobody loves you like Jesus loves
Nobody cares like He cares.
You’ll never have a truer friend:
He died that you might live again.

He will bring peace to your troubled heart,
Comfort from every pain.
He will bring you joy like you’ve never known.
So trust Him and you will have life again.
Make Jesus your very own.

So, a la perchoine Grandpa. I love you and I know that you are now resting where you have always wanted to be. xxx

Loss

img_0034Somehow when I was younger I had an idea of how my life would pan out. I thought it would all turn out OK and pretty much as expected. Today has been one of those days when I realise that life isn’t like that. It bears no resemblance to the picture I had in my head, and in fact it is almost the exact opposite. Instead I have to watch my sister fulfilling that dream.

I have lots of good things in my life but today all I feel is loss. Loss for the dreams I had when I was young and loss for a relationship with a God who I believe actually gives a shit about what happens in my life. Loss.

So instead, I consoled myself with good friends, wine and tennis. That’ll have to do for today.