Tag Archives: loss

2012 Project365 (Day 200)

Picture 026My 200th post!!

This is a photograph of Gran Nora and my Uncle Stephen on the day he graduated with an Open University qualification in Social Work. Really, this post should have been yesterday but a) I forgot, and b) I wanted my 200th post to be special.

Uncle Steve died in 2000 from cancer. He is very sorely missed by his wife and children but also his extended family. He was a brilliant guy who headed up the Children’s Services in Guernsey for a while and was well-liked in work. At home he was a little bit bonkers and was known for his sheds – he seemed to have several. On one particular day he ordered a delivery of concrete so that he could concrete his new shed. Sadly he had miscalculated and when the lorry started pouring this concrete into the base of the shed he realised that he had somewhat overestimated. I remember him shovelling half-set concrete out onto the gravel driveway. It looks like an elephant had left giant turds all up the driveway!

I also remember him setting up a long bit of plastic at the top of the slope in his garden and then covering it with washing up liquid and putting the hose running at the top. We then spent a happy afternoon sliding down the slope. It would have been a nice clean event had he not recently mowed the lawn so when you rolled off the polythene at the end you also got covered in grass clippings. Those are the things I remember best.

Yesterday was the 12th anniversary of his death. We still miss him and I often wonder how much richer our lives would be were he still with us.

I would die for that

Here is the video. I can’t work out how to embed YouTube videos anymore!

“I Would Die For That”

Jenny was my best friend.
Went away one summer.
Came back with a secret
She just couldn’t keep.
A child inside her,
Was just too much for her
So she cried herself to sleep.

And she made a decision
Some find hard to accept.
To young to know that one day
She might live to regret.

But I would die for that.
Just to have one chance
To hold in my hands
All that she had.
I would die for that.

I’ve been given so much,
A husband that I love.
So why do I feel incomplete?
With every test and checkup
We’re told not to give up.
He wonders if it’s him.
And I wonder if it’s me.

All I want is a family,
Like everyone else I see.
And I won’t understand it
If it’s not meant to be.

Cause I would die for that.
Just to have one chance
To hold in my hands
All that they have.
I would die for that.

And I want to know what it’s like
To bring a dream to life.
For that kind of love,
What I’d give up!
I would die for that.

Sometimes it’s hard to conceive,
With all that I’ve got,
And all I’ve achieved,
What I want most
Before my time is gone,
Is to hear the words
“I love you, Mom.”

I would die for that.
Just to have once chance
To hold in my hands
What so many have
I would die for that.

And I want to know what it’s like
To bring a dream to life.
How I would love
What some give up.
I would die …
I would die for that.

by Kellie Coffey

Barnabas!

Barnabas

Well our lovely nephew Barnabas is one year old today. He is so gorgeous and a real little pickle and I miss him loads.

The pain of not having children certainly hasn’t receded with him coming along, in fact in many ways it has made that pain more intense and more pronounced as I can see just what I am missing out on. Not knowing if we will ever get that experience is pretty hard to deal with. However, I certainly wouldn’t miss out on having Barnabas around. he is a complete joy and great fun and I can’t wait to see him again!!

We bought Barnabas a big present but I couldn’t resist making him something (boys are so hard to make for!) so I made him some little aprons which I thought he might be able to use when he is painting or colouring or cooking with Granny. Here’s a pic!

P1040198

RIP Grandpa

22

My Mum phoned me this morning to tell me that my lovely Grandpa had died peacefully in the early hours of the morning. He had been deteriorating for some time, really since this photo was taken at my Dad’s 60th birthday party a couple of years ago, and he was in a nursing home now.

Grandpa was an amazing man. He told terrible jokes… for example whenever you asked him if he was well he would always reply “You can never be too well” or if you asked him if he was alright he would reply “No, I’m half left”. He had a beautiful wide smile that greeted you every time you walked in the room and his smile always reached his eyes.

He certainly didn’t have an easy life. His first wife Grandma Anita died of breast cancer when my Dad was 19. He then went onto marry Grandma Mary and today would have been their 40th wedding anniversary. They exchanged their gifts just two days ago, and today Grandpa went to be with Jesus. Grandpa was also a Gideon, and I blogged about that here. His faithfulness in talking to people about Jesus was unwavering, and even when in hospital he always had a Gideon Testament ready to give out if he was able to. Such faith, and such conviction.

Every time I went home over the last year I said my goodbyes to him. I always knew that it could, and at some point would, be the last time I could say my goodbyes to him. He prayed for us regularly and I know, without a shadow of a doubt, that Grandpa loved me passionately. I also know, beyond anything else, that Grandpa is where he most wanted to be. Safe with his beloved Saviour. The one in whom he has put his trust for 90+ years and the one to whom he was continually running, even when he couldn’t get out of his bed.

He kept this little poem in his bible and i think it sums him up perfectly.

From My Heart

I’ve known the Master for many years
And I’ve tried him o’er and o’er,
Honest I can tell you know
I truly love Him more and more
With every passing year.

Nobody loves you like Jesus loves
Nobody cares like He cares.
You’ll never have a truer friend:
He died that you might live again.

He will bring peace to your troubled heart,
Comfort from every pain.
He will bring you joy like you’ve never known.
So trust Him and you will have life again.
Make Jesus your very own.

So, a la perchoine Grandpa. I love you and I know that you are now resting where you have always wanted to be. xxx

Loss

img_0034Somehow when I was younger I had an idea of how my life would pan out. I thought it would all turn out OK and pretty much as expected. Today has been one of those days when I realise that life isn’t like that. It bears no resemblance to the picture I had in my head, and in fact it is almost the exact opposite. Instead I have to watch my sister fulfilling that dream.

I have lots of good things in my life but today all I feel is loss. Loss for the dreams I had when I was young and loss for a relationship with a God who I believe actually gives a shit about what happens in my life. Loss.

So instead, I consoled myself with good friends, wine and tennis. That’ll have to do for today.

Home again

Well, I had a lovely and much needed with The Mister up in Yorkshire. We diud very little although we did go to Harrogate on Saturday. We just wandered around adn then sat in a pub and had lunch and read the papers. It was lovely.

The hard thing though was coming home tonight and looking at my Facebook updates. All I read were updates about people’s pregnancies, photos of friends and family who are pregnant, pictures of babies’ rooms, morning sickness updates etc etc. You get the picture. I know it is great for them all but seeing all those things has just made me feel a little bit sad again. I know I have plenty of good things in my life, and in many ways life is better than it ever has been, but sometimes it feels like just a little bit is missing.