Auntie Knows Best

Somehow when I was younger I had an idea of how my life would pan out. I thought it would all turn out OK and pretty much as expected. Today has been one of those days when I realise that life isn’t like that. It bears no resemblance to the picture I had in my head, and in fact it is almost the exact opposite. Instead I have to watch my sister fulfilling that dream.

I have lots of good things in my life but today all I feel is loss. Loss for the dreams I had when I was young and loss for a relationship with a God who I believe actually gives a shit about what happens in my life. Loss.

So instead, I consoled myself with good friends, wine and tennis. That’ll have to do for today.

“Dear Lord, today I thought of the words of Vincent Van Gogh; ‘It is true there is an ebb and flow, but the sea remains the sea.’ You are the sea. Although I experience many ups and downs in my emotions and often feel great shifts and changes in my inner life, you remain the same. Your sameness is not the sameness of a rock, but the sameness of a faithful lover. Out of your love I came to life; by your love I am sustained; and to your love I am always called back. There are days of sadness and days of joy; there are feelings of guilt and feelings of gratitude; there are moments of failure and moments of success; but all of them are embraced by your unwavering love.

My only temptation is to doubt in your love, to think of myself as beyond the reach of your love, the remove myself from the healing radiance of your love. To do these things is to move into the darkness of despair.

O Lord, sea of love and goodness, let me not fear too much the storms and winds of my daily life, and let me know that there is ebb and flow but that the sea remains the sea. Amen.”

Henri Nouwen – A Cry for Mercy