Tag Archives: TTC

2013 Project365 (Day 87)

SmilesOur little bear is such a smiler these days. He has this gorgeous lopsided grin that makes my heart skip a beat.

When I see his little face it makes me remember that all those disappointing months were worth it. I remember all too well the disappointment and the fear that it would never happen. We are very fortunate, that much I know.

I still hope and pray for those of my friends who haven’t managed it yet. I hope they do. The wait is worth it.

2012 Project365 (Day 213)

BabyToday was my 20 week scan. I had been worrying about really needing to pee half way through the appointment so I definitely hadn’t drunk enough water, but it didn’t seem to make too much of a difference.

What an amazing thing to see though! The pictures were so clear and they take so many measurements. We had a brilliant sonographer who took time to tell us exactly what we were looking at. What surprised me though was that the baby was really wiggling, the legs kept kicking and I just can’t feel anything yet. I thought that I would feel something by now. It was terribly reassuring to see all the movements and to know that everything is health and fine.

The only thing the sonograher said is that the baby is big for dates. If we weren’t so sure of our dates due to having fertility investigations and stuff she would have said that the baby was at least two weeks further on.

The big news though is that we are having a boy. I am thrilled (even though I had originally thought it would be a girl). I am genuinely delighted that everything is OK and at least we have now eliminated half the names we were arguing about! I guess it is just about reframing what I thought might be and instead there is something equally as good in it’s place.

Life is good and we are lucky.

2012 Project365 (Day 150)

Baby Williams.Well, this is my favourite picture of the year so far! This is the picture that I have wanted to be able to post for some time but wasn’t sure if I ever would be able to. I am very happy to announce that The Mister and I are expecting a baby, due sometime around 16 December.

As anyone who has followed this blog, or who knows us will know this has been a hard baby win. Months and months of trying, hoping and then disappointment. Finally an investigation or two followed by a round of Clomid seems to have done the trick. No means has it been an easy few months though as I have had several episodes of bleeding, however, all looks good so far. No-one told me that you needed nerves of steel to get through the first trimester. It has had some unbelievably scary moments and I am still holding my breath and hoping that nothing else is going to go wrong.

I still really feel for my friends and family who are trying to get pregnant and who have not got there yet. The one thing I do know is that we have been lucky (so far) and I hope that we will continue to be so, but no-one knows what might happen.

If you are able to celebrate with us, then please do, if this news brings you sadness then I also understand that. It’s an emotion that I understand all too well and I recognise that time and space, whilst it doesn’t make it less painful, it does become ‘old news’ and is easier to hear.

Thankyou to everyone who has prayed for and crossed fingers with us. Your thoughts and prayers are gratefully received and I hope you will continue to remember us in your prayers.


2012 Project365 (Day 92)

Say CheeseThe Pointer!Here is The Mister with our lovely niece Eden. She is really, really fond of The Mister, mainly because she is unbelievably bossy and points in the direction she wants to go and at the things she would like to loo at, and off The Mister trots with his tiny Kommandant in his arms.

I love seeing him with Eden. He is so generous and loving and he will make the most amazing father one day. I hope so much that he will get the opportunity to be a Dad as he will be brilliant. There are so many people who seem able to create babies who are will be shit parents and shouldn’t be put in charge of a vulnerable young life in a million years, but those people who could do a good job seem not to manage to conceive sometimes.

This is a second picture which amused me. It’s Eden helping Paul with his Open University marking. You can see her pointing finger at the ready though should she need to get him to move somewhere!

2012 Project365 (Day 91)

Moaning MothersNow, before I start, I know this isn’t going to be an popular post but it is relevant to where I am at the moment! I should also so that this isn’t aimed at all the Mum’s I know. Some of them are brilliant and some of them really realise how lucky they are.

I read this article in the Family (how ironic!) section of The Guardian today and this woman could have been writing about my own life. Basically she is saying that she is fed-up with hearing women moaning about being mothers and all the problems that come with it, when she is unable to have children. She asserts that to be able to moan about being a Mum is luxury she doesn’t have and therefore it upsets her to hear it.

Now, whether you agree with her or not, her viewpoint is valid and I definitely understand it. To hear friends and acquaintances bitching about being tired, bored of being stuck at home, fed up of clearing up sick etc etc is actually tough for me. I would give anything to be in that position, but sadly I am not. To hear someone moaning about the things you most want is tough.

The article writer says….

“I don’t want to mum-bash, but I do want mums to open their eyes and see what they have. At the risk of being lynched – or, worse, incurring the wrath of Mumsnet Towers … give it a break. Give me a break. Give women like me, who wanted children but don’t have them, a break. You mums do not know how blessed you are – so please just be happy and quit complaining. You got the prize. You have the child. Rejoice.

Of course being a mum has its difficulties – but they are finite and surmountable. If you haven’t had a child, that devastating problem can never be solved. So raising a child is expensive? So is being single and living alone. You are tired and shattered? That must be horrible – but that feeling can be short-term and the pros (snuggling up to your warm, chubby baby) surely outweigh that particular con? (And let me tell you, the emotional upset of crying congratulations down the phone when your sister nervously tells you she is pregnant, just days after you’ve been told you most probably never will be, can be exhausting too.)”

To read the full article click here.

To the writer. Thank you for writing what will undoubtedly be an unpopular article and thank-you for saying all the things that I am unable to say myself.

The end of 2011

Hong Kong Feb 2011_0416Dorset_3799Well this year has been quite a momentous year in lots of ways.

The Mister and I spent the first part of the year working hard and generally enjoying living on the mainland but we also spent a lot of time with friends and enjoyed travelling about and seeing people. We went to Hong Kong on February and in October and the chance to experience that amazing city will stay with us for a long time. In August we spent a week camping in Devon before meeting up with friends and camping in Dorset and then heading to Greenbelt. We also went to a family wedding on Somerset and managed to get a few days to ourselves and we celebrated our first wedding anniversary in Pickering in North Yorkshire.

Of course the most significant thing about this year is that we took the plunge and moved back to Guernsey. It was a decision that was a long time in the making and the actual moving part was stressful. I hope I don’t have to move anywhere long-distance for a long time! We are currently living with my parents whilst we save up for a house. This should be easier as The Mister has got a job and starts in January. Hurray!

EdenGsy_1849Being back in Guernsey in wonderful. It is lovely to be able to see the family and spend proper time there without having to rush off. My sister had another baby in February and Eden is hilarious to be around, and Barnabas continues to entertain. Of course being back at home means that my sister seems to consider us as another set of babysitters!

The year hasn’t all been good though. This time last year I was hoping that this would be the last time we celebrated Christmas and New Year as just a couple, I was hoping that by Christmas we would be a family. Sadly getting pregnant has proved to be more complicated than the Daily Mail makes out. We are waiting for an appointment at the fertility specialists but living in Guernsey means that we are having to wait quite a long time. My biggest fear is that we will require intervention such as IVF, and if that ends up being the case then we will almost certainly have to give up on our desire to have children, as we will not be able to afford it. There are no ‘free’ treatments on the island.

PA smiling bw Despite all this (and in spite of it all in some case!) I feel blessed. I live on a beautiful island, hopefully we will be able to buy our own house this year, and we have fabulous families on both sides. I am most fortunate though because I have The Mister and I recognise that I am truly blessed. He keeps me centrered, makes me feel safe, makes me laugh and is so very supportive.

So, a very Happy New Year to everyone. Let’s hope that 2012 brings more joy, and pleasure and let’s just hope that our dreams come true.

PS) The last picture of the two of us I shamelessly admit I nicked from (AllieW!)

Dear God

Dear God,

Can you hear me?
Are you there?

I just want to remind you that it is my birthday tomorrow. You must have forgotten or maybe you weren’t listening. I have asked you nicely for one present this year – you could even give it to me as my Christmas present as well if it is too expensive.

I guess I believed all that stuff that you have spouted in the past about ‘fulfilling promises’ and ‘hopes and dreams’ and stuff like that. If that’s true then why am I not pregnant yet? I would forgo all my presents and everything else if I could just get pregnant – yes even my Christmas Kindle that I know The Mister has bought me.

The other option is that you actually don’t care. You don’t love me and you don’t want to give me good things. It’s a bit like giving a really brilliant present, the best ever, to my sister, but not getting me one too. It just doesn’t feel very fair does it?

Well, I hope you got this. You feel a little bit like Father Christmas sometimes – I know the legend but don’t believe you exist any more.

Love AD x

Christmas: the good & the bad

I am approaching Christmas this year with mixed feelings. It is so lovely to be home and to feel part of the build up to Christmas. Seeing my lovely niece and nephew and how they are growing (and being naughty) and developing is an absolute pleasure. Work is going fine and I think there is a lot that I can do to make a difference in that team and in the lives of my clients. It looks like The Mister has a job which is good news. Church is fine – a bit evangelical at times but I’ll manage with that. The pleasure of having a quieter life with much less traveling is blissful. My stress levels are considerably less than they were when I was living in Leeds.

And yet, I feel sad. Last Christmas I hoped that we would have a baby of our own; that we would be able to experience the pleasure of a little baby and the excitement of a first Christmas together. Fifteen months of trying to get pregnant has left me despondent and bereft. I find it hard to be around people who are pregnant because I constantly feel ‘why them’ and ‘why not me’. Facebook reminds me insistently of my monthly failure, whether that be with adverts for maternity clothes or baby toys, or the constant barrage of status updates with pictures of scan photos, new-born photos and people going on and on about their ‘bumps’… “**** is going out today with her husband and bump”…. Well of course you are going out with your bump, you couldn’t bloody well go out without it could you?

Christmas this year will be mixed emotions. I will find whether this month has been another failure on my birthday. Great. Another year older and another month when I am not pregnant.

So, at Christmas I come to think of that gift, the child who changed the world. The incarnate God who came as a baby, the best gift the world could ever have; that baby who brings good news and hope to all who believe in him, the one who allegedly ‘gives good gifts’. I hope that this God will give us a gift of a baby this year. However, much as I try to experience this God I largely feel his absence, his lack of intervention and a distinct lack of hope. Who knows? All I am sure of is that I am not really looking forward to Christmas.