Tag Archives: TTC

I would die for that

Here is the video. I can’t work out how to embed YouTube videos anymore!

“I Would Die For That”

Jenny was my best friend.
Went away one summer.
Came back with a secret
She just couldn’t keep.
A child inside her,
Was just too much for her
So she cried herself to sleep.

And she made a decision
Some find hard to accept.
To young to know that one day
She might live to regret.

But I would die for that.
Just to have one chance
To hold in my hands
All that she had.
I would die for that.

I’ve been given so much,
A husband that I love.
So why do I feel incomplete?
With every test and checkup
We’re told not to give up.
He wonders if it’s him.
And I wonder if it’s me.

All I want is a family,
Like everyone else I see.
And I won’t understand it
If it’s not meant to be.

Cause I would die for that.
Just to have one chance
To hold in my hands
All that they have.
I would die for that.

And I want to know what it’s like
To bring a dream to life.
For that kind of love,
What I’d give up!
I would die for that.

Sometimes it’s hard to conceive,
With all that I’ve got,
And all I’ve achieved,
What I want most
Before my time is gone,
Is to hear the words
“I love you, Mom.”

I would die for that.
Just to have once chance
To hold in my hands
What so many have
I would die for that.

And I want to know what it’s like
To bring a dream to life.
How I would love
What some give up.
I would die …
I would die for that.

by Kellie Coffey

The joys and trials of trying to get up the duff

Trying to conceive is officially the most disappointing and the saddest thing I have ever done. What should be joyful is bloody hard work at time.

I never expected things to be straightforward but I always hoped. Somehow having to know my cycle intimately, knowing when I am ovulating, checking cervical mucus, taking my temperature every morning, using ovulation tests seems to take all the fun out of trying to get pregnant.

Every month I hope and hope that this has been the month that everything has worked.

Every month I am disappointed.

Every month is like a bereavement. Grieving for the things I have hoped for. Grieving for the things that I don’t have, and don’t know if I will ever obtain.

One day I hope it will work. If it doesn’t I don’t know what I am going to do. If I can’t be a mother I am not sure what my life will look like.

Back to the Rock

The Mister and I have returned to Guernsey for a few days to spend some time with our family. It has been an absolutely gorgeous sunny day and we have spent most of it in the garden with my parents and sister, her husband, my nephew Barnabas, my niece Eden and my cousin Stefi.

It is good to be home. It is also quite hard. Today I met my gorgeous niece Eden Phoebe for the first time. It is impossible for me to describe how beautiful and cute she is. She is very sweet and my sister is very generous in letting me spend time with her. It is also hard as we started trying to conceive about the time my sister announced she was pregnant. So far, she has produced the lovely Eden and we have not managed to get pregnant yet. So, there are mixed emotions. Delight and pleasure at our new lovely niece, and sadness that we do not yet have a baby. I hope that the pain of the not-having is eased soon. It is pretty hard to manage those emotions and I have to admit that I have had a little cry.

Oh well, here are some photos….


Oh :(

There are a lovely few days every month when I think I might, maybe, possibly, hopefully, be pregnant. I dream about what it will be like to have a bouncing baby in my arms. Then there is the realisation that once again I am not pregnant. Every month I feel sad and utterly utterly disappointed. Every month I am reminded that I have failed and that I have to wait another month.

I am finding it harder and harder to deal with the emotions of trying to conceive. Something that we hoped would be straightforward has become a cycle of charting and hoping. Don’t get me wrong, things are still fun… heheh …. but that disappointment every single month is almost too hard.

Of course all of this is made even more difficult by the fact that other people’s lives go on…. photos on Facebook of other people’s babies and children and photos of people blooming during their pregnancies. It’s a constant reminder of that great unattainable dream.

Eden Phoebe

My niece Eden Phoebe was born in the early hours of this morning weighing 6lbs 15 1/2 oz. Apparently it was a rather speedy delivery. It was hard when Barnabas was born but it’s even harder for me this time. My heart is full of love but it also feels like it is breaking in two.

Here is a rather lovely photo of my Mum, Barnabas and Eden.

Other people and my story

To all those people who think I am being a selfish bitch for being upset about other people’s pregnancies and babies, this message is for you.

For the last 15 years my life has not been what I thought it would be. I thought I would get married in my early twenties and have a couple of children by the time I was 25. It might not have been conventional to normal society, but in the Newfrontiers churches it was pretty typical and normal. People married young, in my opinion, because they wanted to start having sex and in that environment it is the ‘right way’ to do this. It is also the culture of the church, being very family focused etc.

Instead of getting married, I went through the majority of my twenties surrounded by a large bunch of friends, the majority of whom were gay. They shared my life and I shared theirs. We laughed together, drank together, ate meals together, went on holiday, went shopping, had parties, and went through good times and sad times together. They were like my family. I adored it and I adored them and my life without that experience would be very much poorer indeed.

When I hit my thirties the reality that other people have not only been married and had children, but now their children are at school became very obvious. It is quite painful to watch from the sidelines to see other people getting the things you most want, whether that is right, or wrong isn’t up for debate at this point, but it is the truth.

I was fortunate. I am extremely fortunate. At 33 I met the most wonderful man in the world. He is supportive, loving, generous and kind and I cannot overestimate how loved he makes me feel. He loves me for being me, warts and all. He makes me feel beautiful – and that is priceless.

So, what I am trying to say is, when I am upset and make statements about other people getting pregnant or having babies, this isn’t about me being a bitch. This is about me trying to reframe the whole of my expectations about what I thought my life would look like. I thought I would have children starting secondary school by now. Instead, I am struggling to conceive.

Life isn’t bad; it is just different to what I thought it would look like. I love my husband and I am incredibly grateful for what I have, but it doesn’t stop me feeling envious when I see other people living what I thought my dreams should be. Please don’t make me feel guilty for feeling these things. I am quite capable at doing that on my own.

I said to someone who doesn’t really know what to say to me when I am ranting about these things, “If, God forbid, I had a miscarriage what would you do?”, and her response was, “I would come to you and hug you”. My response to that is, please do that anyway. Whilst I am not grieving for something tangible, I am, to a certain extent, grieving for my dream; for the life I thought I would have.

Oh :(

Well this month I thought we had done everything right, which is why when my period started I was in floods of tears. Whilst I know it takes a normal couple about a year to conceive I thought we might be OK this month. Even though I know it isn’t, I still feel like this is a failure. It’s so hard. Maybe it is because I turn 35 tomorrow. I know that this age marks the journey for deteriorating fertility. That’s a hard one to get my head around. Maybe I have left it too late and I have missed my chance. Who knows. However, thank God for my wonderful Mister. He is just bloody fantastic!


I have been uhming and ahing for some time about whether to write this blog post. Most people who have read this blog for several years will have read my ramblings about being single and without children. To a certain extent it was all very well writing about those things whilst I was single, because they were (generally) just about me. Of course, now I am married I not only have to think about what I write affecting me, but also how it affects my lovely husband. So, when I was thinking about writing on here a bit about how I was feeling I asked The Mister what he thought of the idea. I asked him not because I want permission, but because I love him and don’t want to say anything that would embarrass or upset him. He didn’t have too much of a problem… as long as I didn’t say anything too personal!

Anyway, back to the subject in hand. Over the years I have been very honest about the things I want. I wanted to meet someone wonderful and get married and I want to have children. I have been very lucky to achieve the first one, now I would really like the second one! I never expected it would be such an emotional journey though. It’s not like I expected to be able to conceive immediately, and yet when it doesn’t happen it is really hard to deal with. The hardest bit is knowing people who seem to manage it really easily, and now have gorgeous children. My heart breaks when I see them, and it is hard to keep that resentment at bay. The fear that it might not happen to us is overwhelming and I am scared that I will never get to have the children I have longed for for so many years. I think we will be good parents and I am frightened that we won’t get the chance to have those experiences. Of course this whole issue is made even more difficult that my younger sister is pregnant for the second time. Once again she gets to do things twice before I even get to do it once!

I guess if someone could say to me, “in 3/6/12 months you will be pregnant” then I would be able to relax. It’s the not knowing that is so difficult to deal with. I hope it will happen, but who knows. Generally, all the things I have wanted most in the world I have had to wait for. If one more person says, “oh it will happen to you at the right time”, I am likely to punch them in the face. Nobody knows. Quite simply that is the fact of the matter and that really sucks.